The John Reese Manual
(Note - I was inspired by a character manual set on Fanfiction.Net that including the LOST characters. This idea is genius. Seriously.)
JOHN REESE: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual
You are now the proud owner of a REESE unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. Unless you wish to have a very painful death through KNEECAPPING.
You should also feel pleased to know that the proceeds from your purchase are used toward the goals of IRRELEVANT CORP., which is an restrictive organization that has made its goal to please all REESE and FINCH lovers alike.
Your REESE unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).
Full Name: John Reese(?)
AKA: Johnny, Dat Sexy Hobo, The Sexiest Thing Since Sex, Wonderboy, Hot Guy.
Porn Name: Reese’s Pieces
Manufacturer: IRRELEVANT Corp,
Date of Production: Classified.
Age: Old enough to have the most attractive abs, young enough to have the ass to match.
Weight: Jeez, who do you think I am, his stalker?
Your REESE unit comes with the following accessories. Please check off to make sure you have all necessary items:
One SEXY SUIT
Fifty-or-so HIDDEN GUNS
One CELL PHONE
One BIG-ASS-ROPE-FOR-ESCAPES (also functions as an adult toy)
One HUGE TUB OF HAIR GEL (not an adult toy)
One BUTTLOAD OF CHARACTER ANGST.
Replacement and additional items must be purchased through our website. We gladly accept credit, debit and REESE’S blackmail as payment. Anything goes as long as it’s REESE.
Your REESE unit will arrive at your home in an unconscious state. PLEASE follow the correct procedure of activation or your REESE unit will not function properly. Failure to follow instructions may have negative results. Worst case scenario: He may assume you are the MARK unit and start a lovely STAND-UP routine of BALD JOKES. You may think this is better than KNEECAPPING but…it ISN’T.
The REESE unit has two METHODS of ACTIVATION. Please choose only one:
(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).
(2). Lay your unconscious unit flat on the floor.
(3). Sit or stand and wait for your REESE unit to awaken.
(4). Eventually your REESE unit will awaken.
(5). Immediately your REESE unit will pin you to the ground and demand to know WHO THE HELL YOU ARE.
(6) At this point say WHO THE HELL YOU ARE and add the fact that your NUMBER came up and you are the VICTIM.
(7) The REESE unit will make it his goal to protect you from now on.
(8) He will NOT SUSPECT you are the PERPETRATOR. GOOD JOB, REESE.
(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).
(2). Place him in front of a PEPSI VENDING MACHINE.
(3). Order a PEPSI from the PEPSI VENDING MACHINE.
(4). The REESE unit will awaken to the sound of the PEPSI.
(5) Immediately the REESE unit will shoot the PEPSI along with the PEPSI VENDING MACHINE. Do not be scared - just let him do his job.
(6) After this, run up and EMBRACE the REESE unit. Claiming that he is now your HERO for saving you from the NASTY PEPSI MONSTER.
(7) Your REESE unit will be flattered by this attention and attempt to RELATE with you over this topic. Allow him…he just really needs to RELATE.
MODES OF OPERATION
EX-CIA AGENT: Since the REESE unit has a work history of a certain physical calibre, he is well adapted to any physical labour. Is your neighbour being a CREEP? Tell your REESE unit and he will proceed to KNEECAP-THE-SHIT-OUT-OF-THEM.
SEXY AS HELL: Your REESE unit is a SEX BOMB. And thus, he likes to FLAUNT WHAT HE HAS GOT. He will demand to have the nicest suits (which can be bought from our site) and will always require his HAIR GEL. Allow him this - there is no knowing what will happen if the REESE unit runs out of HAIR GEL.
RELATABLE: The REESE unit LOVES to RELATE. Got a tough exam coming up? REESE can RELATE to that. Just went through a tough break-up? REESE can UNDERSTAND that. Found out that you’re pregnant and you have no clue who the father is? REESE RELATES. This makes the REESE unit great for pretty much any type of conversation. HE UNDERSTAND YOU!
ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS
STRIPPER: Although not exactly a MODE, you can get your REESE unit to strip through DOLLAR BILLS and A DANGEROUS AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL.
WARNING! If you own an INGRAM unit, KEEP HIM FAR AWAY from the REESE unit. His fascination with ONE DOLLAR BILLS and REESE can easily be FUSED TOGETHER.
LOVER: We at IRRELEVANT CORP. are not surprised that you have found the LOVER mode appealing. I mean IMAGINE the SEX with that man. Either way, the REESE unit makes a FANTASTIC lover. How does one ACTIVATE this mode? Well, by allowing REESE to RELATE to you, he will eventually find ROMANCE through this. Just give it a day or two…HE WILL FALL.
PURPOSE: If you have a FINCH unit (sold separately) and you think that your REESE unit seems a bit depressed you can easily GIVE HIM PURPOSE. How? SIMPLE. You place your REESE unit in front of your FINCH unit and he will easily CONVINCE the REESE unit to GET A DAMN JOB.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: For some reason, during the programming of the REESE unit, out initial unit found the joy of STAND-UP COMEDY. Hand your REESE unit a microphone and shove him on a stage and he will proceed to TALK ABOUT AIR-PLANE FOOD. I MEAN WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THAT STUFF?
BEWARE! The STAND-UP COMEDY is terrible. NO. SERIOUSLY. Keep him AWAY from COMEDY CLUBS.
CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE
Your REESE unit requires extra effort to keep it in good condition. To keep him happy, healthy and clean please perform the following on a daily basis:
(1). Daily Involved Grooming. Since your REESE unit has the SEX BOMB mode as a DEFAULT, he clearly requires grooming. Buy him a TUB OF HAIR GEL PER WEEK and LOADS OF EXPENSIVE SUITS and he SHOULD be okay.
(2) Food. Your REESE unit will pretty much eat ANYTHING. HOWEVER, he will REFUSE to drink PEPSI. If you give him a PEPSI he will proceed to SHOOT THE HELL OUT OF IT.
(3). Exercise. Your REESE unit does not need a gym membership. HOWEVER, if he is out for a few hours and comes back with a BLOODSTAINED SUIT, then he has clearly GOTTEN A WORK OUT.
(4). Sex. He likes that. He likes that A LOT. GO FOR IT.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Hey something’s wrong here, buddy. My unit keeps on shooting my fridge!
A: Is there PEPSI in it? FUCK PEPSI.
Q: HELP! My unit thinks I’m working for Mark!
A: Ouch! That’s terrible. I suggest buying a TOUPEE
Q: I’M NOT BALD.
A: THEN YOU MUST BE MARK.
Q : My fellow Irrelevants have taken my Reese hostage.
A: SHARING is CARING.
Q: Are there any slash options on the Reese unit?
A: Of course! Put the REESE unit in a room with ANYONE and there will be SEX.
Q: Hey my Reese unit isn’t putting out enough.
A: LIZ? IS THAT YOU, LIZ?
Q: My Ingram unit found out about my Reese unit’s stripping habits and they’ve run off together!
A: Get your FINCH unit to track them down. He may need to SLAP A BITCH.
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